Blog Post #121: What Are The Hack Hollywood Forums Like?

Hullo friends! This is a VERY long post but its length is equivalent to the profound importance of what I learned.

I’ve been good on keeping up with my workouts and with reading, though I could do better with structure. Starting tomorrow I WILL get up at 8 each day and get it all done before my day starts. I’ve been doing the “I am grateful for” exercise and it’s surprising how much positivity it gives to the whole rest of your day. “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

I finished my full second listen of Module 1. I couldn’t resist a peek at Module 2, Section 1. I was applied some of the script analysis to a scene I am doing in class today. It’s useful and obvious to think of it as a story first…you understand, and in the process are pulled in.
I didn’t finish the Inner Game of Tennis yet — I will in the next few days. I did get to read, however, THE POWER OF NOW.

Yes, I put it in all capital letters, for whomever might read this post. I think it may be the most important book David brings up. I spent my snow day Thursday reading, or really, experiencing the book (it took six hours but felt like 5 seconds). It is written in a way that gets you out of your head and makes you present while you read, encouraging you to tap into the well of joy you have beneath the conscious thought processes of ego, the simple joy of *being.* The de facto experience of any living thing that isn’t too trapped in defining itself and the illusion of past and future to truly notice reality.

For the next day and a half, I was present in a way I only knew from very heightened moments in life. It was like those allergy commercials where the fog is lifted and suddenly everything is sharp. I was profoundly enjoying being alive. My thoughts had somehow gone away so I had no anxiety or worry. For example, I had the time of my life…while trapped for half an hour on the jammed 6 train platform. I watched the pretty lights hitting the trains (nothing happens the same way twice), and felt the shared human life force of all the people around me. I had no stress because I connected nothing to my “self” in terms of my ego, but experienced everything through my body, senses, soul, inner light…whichever term you fancy.

Soon enough, the thinking crept back in. But I was left with an understanding of things that will never leave me, an understanding that connects pretty much everything that’s ever resonated with me…It cannot be put into words (so many try), but this poem comes close: http://www.whitmanarchive.org/published/LG/1856/poems/10. You are not your ego. The key to life is to accept the moment for what it is and be present in it…and you’ll find you have superpowers! Of course this is extremely important for creative people, especially actors, but it can bring such a wonderful centeredness and joy to your whole life, instead of the illusions which are particularly strong in a society like ours.

Then, last night, I did my talk with David, and I found out how pervasive and subtle the ego can be. What is wonderful about David is that he does not just disseminate information, but he causes us to find and overcome our own resistances, habits, ego, and fear. He does so through a rare combination of wit, humor, wisdom, compassion, and toughness. He leads by being truly himself–which is liberating and infectious. SO, if you are afraid or holding back on your chance to speak to him, forget fear! Just do it!
I was finding a really hard time taking the very first step — locating my dream. I was aimlessly researching and not sure what it was besides “doing film,” or a deep reason why I said that. I had not taken the time to allow it to come to me, from the universe, the source, the right side of my brain, wherever it lies beneath the level of conscious thought and language. If you could do only one thing (gun to your head), what would you do? Trying to speak about this to David was like the very first days of acting class, where I’d be convinced my mind was totally blank and feel a push of confusion and resistance to the task. Which is funny, because there IS a fundamental reason underneath, that we feel strongly, for why we pursue this career! And when you finally touch it, something lands in your chest, small and simple and true.

I hadn’t realized how strong the factors of my life experience have influenced the entire fabric of who I make myself to be. The fear of expressing what I truly want, the pressures to do certain things to fulfill other people, to define yourself, to fit notions of what you are good at or what you should do, to have a standard of success to uphold, to keep your epic weirdness down or transmuted into some socially acceptable form, to be good at a lot of things but not great at one thing (hello Yale application), to deny and go back on the thing you really want for fear of other’s responses….All of that was in me when I hardly knew it was there, and always thought of myself as a strong person making my own path…but following your dream on mental principle is not enough.

The story you tell about yourself is so, so, so, so, NOT what matters. We are convinced as a people that we must live life according to how the ego defines itself, and then we push that drive for external validation upon other people, only perpetuating the harmful cycle.

The question really is: who are you when you are alone in your bathroom or bedroom as that weird little kid who dreams and really really wants something…who has very strong, specifically defined, unique passion, not limited in any way by the things she has encountered before or by anything she is told by the world?

This is what I thought of after we spoke, when I realized how true what I had hit upon, when I let the gates down for a second, really was. Somehow when I finally let it come to me, the dream was SO odd, and SO specific!

My dream project: a feature film of Joan of Arc in Space (a valiant queen, a general, a hero on a quest), directed by none other than Joss Whedon.

That took a lot of steps mostly involving making simple intuitive mental connections together. In all my mental encyclopedia of directors, how had I not remembered how much I love Joss? How forgotten that deep yearning goes for big stories fulfilled by science fiction? (When I look back now, the pattern seems so obvious.) It lies in the very back of my brain, not in the file labelled “acceptable answers.”
Anyhow, there were myriad practical lessons I learned related to my specific life situation. They will be present in the modules and in later reports. Still, speaking to real live David is several orders of magnitude better. (He’s pretty fun too.) Do I feel empowered? Hell yes. And finally, rather than “getting” Module 1, I have a holistic, integrated understanding. Integrity, forgetting the ego, stopping the fear and stopping pleasing other people, being present and accepting of yourself (artists are damn weird and we love it–that’s what drew me to wanting to be one in the first place), patience and detachment from results, the conviction and knowing what to do, stopping doing ALL the stuff and instead gaining *focus* on the path to your goal, working hard…All of that is brought together in the one first step: having the dream buried deep, being true to it, and — taking that first step. It’s not wrong or right, and anyway you have no idea til you try.

So, next Sunday I will post my plan of how to get from here to there. If you’ve read to this point, thank you for reading my novel, and I have great affection for you. If you’re another hacktor who wants to be in the Whedonverse, I hope we work together one day. And thanks the zillionth time, David, for being a mensch. Now I’ll stop all the thanking and get to the doing.